First of all, I think I owe an apology to anyone who read my entry yesterday. I was in a very dark place (can't claim I'm still in a good place but I'm a little bit better today although I think that has more to do with herbal tea and not actually moving on yet), I was angry, I was lashing out. I admit that. But I suppose the point of keeping a blog like this is to have an outlet and sometimes a girl has to vent. Yesterday I vented. Today I'll try not to because today the grief is setting in and I'm just trying to cope with it.
While I accept peoples' opinions and criticism (not with ease, but I do tend to listen to what people have to say; I'm not saying I agree with all of it but I do listen) and I get that pet stuff is always a hair trigger for very strong opinions to emerge, there's a time and a place for everything and yesterday was neither of those. I mean, I lack a major empathy bone but even I wouldn't confront someone on the day something really horrible has happened whether I thought they were at fault or not. Would I do it after a while? You know what, I probably wouldn't because at the end of the day it just isn't my business but if I were to make it my business, I would still give the person a grace period to cope and come to terms with something bad before expressing a negative opinion of them to them. Not cool and completely uncalled for & it's definitely not going to make me change my mind if people try to bully me into something while I'm hurting. That's just mean and you guys know it.
Today's been not so much about moving on, but about laying down the foundation that is required for it. I've taken apart the birthing boxes I put together for Maiko and salvaged what towels I can and slammed them on a boiling hot disinfectant soak while getting rid of everything that was obviously not going to recover from things... a cat giving birth is hella messy business. I don't think it's beneficial to me or Maiko if the flat smells like blood (or if she insists on sleeping in a box that smells like, well... her dead children, to be very blunt about it), and I'm not 100% sure if that smell is actually lingering or if it's in my head. Nonetheless, cleaning up is therapeutic to me and seems to have calmed Maiko down. She is actually sleeping instead of constantly pacing and meowing so I feel I've made the right choice.
With the aid of caffeine I did the general laundry & tidied up a bit, just sort of forcing myself into motion. One could claim I'm trying too hard to push forward but sometimes it's necessary. My emotional triggers aren't something I like to mess with and right now I feel raw & hurt, and that scares me because I don't want even the slightest relapse. Yes, again, I'm being selfish in cleaning up the 'physical evidence' of what's happened and one could even say I'm trying to erase the fact that the kittens were ever there but trust me, the memory of it is so deeply imprinted in my mind that there's no way I'll forget about it. Ever. Maiko might, as that's just nature being nature, but I won't. Because I'm human & believe it or not, I feel human emotions. Granted, not like most people do but the emotions are still there and right now I'm hurting & I would just ask for people to understand and respect that, even if they don't agree with any of this.
Have I made any decisions yet? No. Will I soon? Yeah, over the next couple of weeks, I'm sure. I'm not a 100% in either direction yet & I need time to think and come to terms with whatever decision I end up making, whether it's the one people want me to make or not. I'm not going to give up my dream of having a kitten by Maiko in my clowder simply because people would rather I adopt a kitten from a shelter. If I give up that dream, I give it up because I'm ready to give it up.
Again, I repeat: yes it's a very selfish dream/thing to do, but so was getting pregnant while suffering from a serious mental illness, and I did that twice even if the second one wasn't planned. No one screamed at me when I miscarried either of them and preached about adopting instead, although a (now former, thanks to it) friend did state that I'd probably end up suffocating my children in their sleep or something 'equally psycho'. Do I think I'd make a great mother, on that note? I'd try my best. That's what any mother can do. But, again, was that comment necessary, especially in that situation? Hell no. Freedom of speech doesn't translate to 'hurt a person however much you like by spitting venom at them when they're already suffering'.
I'm not a perfect person. I'm, in fact, a very selfish person & I don't pretend to be anything else. Am I working on my flaws? Sure. But at the end of the day, I am who and what I am.
Yes, these past couple of entries have come from a place of hurt, maybe even confusion, and I'll probably eventually regret posting them, at least a little bit... but it's my blog, I'm putting my life out there & I just don't want to be one of those bloggers who pretends her life is sunshine & roses all the time. If anything, my life is difficult most of the time because of mental challenges alone. Raw emotions are allowed in blogs & I think it's harmful to keep up the charade of a perfect life, perfect family, perfect everything when we all know nobody survives life without getting knocked around. Nobody.
Do my sometimes idiotic choices make my life that much harder? Absolutely! I self-sabotage like an absolute bitch, 100%. Why do you think I'm in therapy, mate? :D
For now, I'm sure the blog won't be a delight to read because my existence right now is not exactly fun. This blog reflects my life at the time of writing entries. It is what it is and maybe one day I'll find the key to eternal happiness & spread the gospel of whatever that key may be, but today is not that day. Today I'm hurt, and I am writing out of that place of pain and confusion. Apologies if it's something you'd rather not read & shame on you if you use it as a weapon against me. Be nice. Please. Even if it's only for now. ♥ Thank you.
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