These wobbles, though

This morning I woke up with an all too familiar feeling: delete everything. Get off social media. Empty my Facebook wall. Why am I even blogging? Gahhhhhhh! Everything sucks, I need to hide, everyone hates me, I'm not good enough, blah blah blah. Absolutely not the first time this has happened -- I have a very fragmented, unstable self-image that causes this to repeat regularly, ranging from what I want to look like to what I want to do or how I want to be viewed (as opposed to how I actually am) -- and it absolutely won't be the last, I'm sure. This phase is pretty much always followed by a major depressive phase that I genuinely hope quetiapine will intercept this time around.

Quite frankly I'm really surprised it took as long as it did for Yours Truly to be diagnosed as borderline because I do this so bloody often & have never made any effort whatsoever to hide it. I think everyone was so fixated on chasing the "typical PMDD rage", mood swings, dissociation due to anxiety, and bipolar diagnosis that they just wilingly ignored what was staring them right in the face: borderline, with what borderline comes with. I still have PMDD but it doesn't just explain away the stuff that's associated with borderline, and while I hate the brand, I also appreciate the team that finally chased it to make it official because the more I've learned about it, the more answers I now have and life is far less confusing.

There was talk of borderline before, but it was never cast as a major character flaw until I tried to off myself three times in the span of two months because my brain was just melting down left, right and centre and I started hallucinating & being delusional and it couldn't be explained away by depression or alleged bipolar or PMDD or anything else except dissociation which goes strongly hand in hand with, you know it: borderline.

On some days I have an almost narcissistic resource of self-adoration & occasionally I place myself a lot higher in importance than other people... not in the form of self-love, but more... raising myself to a goddess-like status. That then flips on its head and I see myself as this hunchbacked monster who no one could ever love, I pick apart my faults in appearance and personality and I just flat out loathe myself, and that in turn is replaced by this uncontrollable anger at everyone and/or myself, and it's just this constant dance of shifting attitudes and eternal splitting, and it's so draining & it's taken a lot for me today to not just delete my blog during a morph to whatever the next step is.

I'm going to step outside for a few hours today just to clear my head and try to manipulate my hormones a bit to (try to) get out of this mindset. I foresee an overhaul in taste & style over the next couple of weeks; it always happens and I'm not sure if any anti-psychotic medication can touch the fluctuating way I do/want to perceive myself & come across to people.

I did manage to groom my Instagram feed a bit before I caught myself being silly, so fingers crossed I'll leave the blog alone. It's sort of silly but during the worst outbursts (which, again, I hope quetiapine will meddle with) I tend to delete all my photos and videos, all my artwork, make new accounts in games to 'start over'. I've been fairly good at keeping photos for the past couple of years, primarily because those photos are important to other people as well (I could never delete the baby pictures of Callisto -- one of my cats who now lives with an ex because she prefers him -- for example because those photos are so important to him. It's not just my feelings that are on the firing line if these things disappear forever, so I do keep that in mind. I did destroy any and all memories of the two 'boyfriends' I've had since I split up with Mooki because there's absolutely no point hanging onto that type of memories & I quite frankly don't want to see their faces.

So you could say I'm finally learning to keep important stuff. Now if only I'd learn not to constantly put a knife on my blog's throat...

Living in Pastel Paradise (soon)

I've spent most of the past week-plus turning my council flat into a pastel hell paradise. The paints I ordered apparently went way over the company's heads (I assume very few rougher-side-of-town dwellers request broken pastels as their overall theme) & I didn't get what I asked for (for example, I asked for mauve for the kitchen and got baby pink, and the exact same shade for the front room so now I have a very pink front room) but in a way it's a blessing in disguise -- what I got was this unicorn pastel daydream selection and I must say I've been having immense amounts of fun turning my flat into a Barbie Dreamland. Since I'm doing this all by myself, it's obviously taking a bit of time because my energy levels could be better, but little by little the horrendous hospital-paint walls (and the acid trip bathroom) are turning into a 4-year-old girl's dream. I love it.

Instead of the subtle hue changes I asked for, they basically just got me two whites, two pinks and two lavender paints and that's it. I'm not complaining, I didn't even try to correct them because this works far better. I'm already super motivated to finish the job so I can start contrasting the baby pastels with gothic detailing -- steampunk guns, skulls, crosses, the like -- and all my gamer clutter, and for the first time in... well, ever... I feel so proud about a place I live in that I might actually invite people over. That's no small statement from me because I loathe having people in my personal space but what's the point in making my surroundings chaotically pretty if no one's coming around to see it?!

Hell, I might even start hosting little tea parties for my friends. Maybe throw a Finnish Christmas party (yes, Christmas, not "Holidays" because I celebrate Christmas, simple as), Independence Day feast (not this year though, this year I'm working on that particular date, yay! -- more on that in a future post, though, once we've dotted all the i's) or some such. We'll see. For now though, I'll go throw the finishing touches to the bedroom and then try to figure out a strategy on how to get a double bed there without taking it apart. I'll have to take it apart, won't I? Ugh...

Get up and function

I've spent the last twenty hours in bed. Not asleep, just in bed, staring at the ceiling. I thought I felt bad immediately after the loss of the kittens but the worst was yet to come... I just shut down yesterday morning. Got nothing done, didn't even write in my journal. I hit a brick wall, got overwhelmed by the slightly delayed feelings and just shut down for the lack of a better word. I'm currently in grief fasting and when I was stocking up on liquids, I won't lie: I went past the alcohol section more than once, just pacing back and forth. Thankfully now that I've been in treatment & had a few relapses, I'm fully aware of how temporary the relief is and how horrible I'd feel afterwards if I leaned on that crutch... and there's absolutely no such thing as "only tonight, only until I feel less sad, only ______". It's a struggle and it'll probably be a lifelong struggle to actually feel my feelings without numbing myself with booze.

I also didn't lean on my anti-anxiety pills because what I was and still am feeling isn't anxiety, it's grief, and there's a huge difference between the two. While I'm sure the anxiety's there, it's silenced by the sadness, and sadness I believe is a healthy emotion. I have to grieve despite or even because of it feeling overwhelming. As Karyn said, I'm sober now and re-learning the feels, but I won't re-learn them if I avoid them or drown them out.

I'm going to allow myself a few more hours of rest & then I'm picking up the paint brush: my landlord finally came through after a long wait and provided me with the paints I was promised a long, long while back. Better late than never, eh?

  • the kitchen will be a darker, crushed lavender.
  • the front/living room accent wall is going to be a dusky pink. Worth noting is that the kitchen & front room walls touch so the colours couldn't clash too badly.
  • the bathroom is going to be a crushed periwinkle.
  • the bedroom accent wall is going to be a warmer lavender.

Yes, you can probably notice the blog layout follows a similar colour chart. It's my thing now, I guess... crushed pastels . I seem to drift from a full-on morbid gothic preference to this girly, baby pastel phase with nothing in between so I suppose eventually my flat will look like a smograsbord of cutesy, dark, death, unicorns, faeries, zombies and wrong. Epic.

The renovation will keep my mind occupied for at least a couple of days. Once I feel like I can deal with the slightly darker themes again without playing trigger-hop, I'm also going back to the world of Witcher. There's so much of the first game alone that I'd completely forgotten about because -- let's face it -- when I played it way back when, I was pretty drunk. Same goes for 2 & 3 as well. There's been a few cutscenes I don't recall ever seeing, slight recollection of other bits and then complete blanks in parts I know I must have played through to actually progress in the game but Hell if I remember. And it's not just Witcher, I feel a similar confusion with Mass Effect & Skyrim as well and if I went back to World of Warcraft... I probably couldn't recall half the sh!t I did when I was pursuing the Loremaster achievement. How I functioned or got anything done in that constant state is beyond me. I'm frankly surprised I'm still alive.

Next week I have a meeting with my outreach worker & also a vet appointment to make sure everything's okay with Maiko... and to discuss resiring her, the potential timetable for that, look at potential sires etc. Yes, I'm still fully aware of the selfishness of that decision and yes, it does make me a massive hypocrite because in the past I've lashed out at people who let their cats fall pregnant but... it's not quite the same, is it?

It's out there as far as idiotic decisions go, I'm sure, but it'll also be a very planned, very wanted project unless it's discovered there is, in fact, something wrong with Maiko from either before the pregnancy, or post-partum. She's recovered fine, the after-bleeding's been absolutely minimal and she eats, goes to the toilet, is playful and sleeps so it's highly unlikely there's any after-effects since the birth itself went great... it's just that the kittens weren't meant to survive. Something was wrong with them, and it could just be one of those things like the vet says, or there might've been something wrong with the dad of the litter, or or or, if if if. It could've been anything and for round two, we'll be approaching it as a project. Hormones, highly calorific diet, constant ultras, absolutely no picking her up (which will be tough for me), et cetera et cetera. I'm not going to just casually assume that because everything seems fine, everything is fine.

Of course, if something even slightly awry turns up in her testing, we're abandoning this project and she will get spayed immediately. Otherwise she'll get spayed (along with the potential kittens) when her litter is weaned. Despite her not even being pregnant, there's already homes for up to six, like I said. I'll be keeping one or two depending on gender, personality etc. I have a pretty mellow duo and I don't really see a rebel-type terminator being happy in the bunch. Of course, with kittens, it's hard to say. Kittens are kittens; no matter what they turn out to be as adults, as babies they're absolute little demons but there's tells. There's certain 'expressions' if you will that hints if the cat is particularly mischievous, and just generally observing a kitten will give you a lot of information about their basic personality.

I'm also going to be focusing on giving Rosa more of a fuss. The poor thing got ignored pretty badly toward the end of Maiko's pregnancy. As you can tell, though, her fur's growing back rather nicely (she has alopecia but allowing her to be outside has lowered her stress-grooming so much that her bald patches have filled back in) but the fur's growing back with a different texture: it's a bit wavy, which gives her a far fluffier appearance. I love it. Thankfully her personality is pretty chill and forgiving so she hasn't really sought out attention in the past week leading up to the birth of the kittens and whether it's me humanising her or something similar (I do tend to do that), I reckon she willingly gave Maiko space and understood why the main focus was on her sissie for a while. She's really mellowed down recently although I'm pretty sure that's to do more with her age (she turned ten this summer) than anything else.

Anyhoop. It's pushing 10AM and there's a few days' worth of cups to wash, broth to brew and walls to paint so I'll hop off for a bit. Will be on Discord or Messenger if I'm needed. Hope everyone's having a decent Sunday (or whatever the day may be when you read this), and please: if you're angry at me about the aforementioned decision, I understand but... please don't scream at me. I am feeling mega fragile right now. We're upping my med dosage tomorrow to help me out a little bit (as quetiapine in higher dosages has a calming effect without actually destroying emotional capacity).

Maybe in couple of weeks' time I'll be able to fight with you on this or try to explain my point of view... but not now. Not yet. Not just yet. Please. Thank you.