For the briefest of moments, my household had kittens. Maiko went into labour last night and delivered her firstborn, Phoenix, at 7:53AM. The second one, Poem, was stillborn. The third, Shiloh, survived for about half an hour but refused to suckle or accept formula and eventually just went to "sleep", and the last one, Lyric -- like Poem -- was stillborn. Phoenix showed promise but started fading at around noon and despite intervening, there was nothing I could do.
As far as I'm aware, this was Maiko's first litter. The birth went just fine, there were no delays, no complications, and she tried to nurse every kitten, took care of the placentas, cut the umbilical cords. She was a natural mama even to the kittens that only physically entered this world but were never 'there'. She did everything right, and I'd like to claim that I did everything right as well because I've done this bloody thing before with orphaned cats, but the vet's comment on it was that it's... just one of those things with cats. Entire litters fade. Entire litters are stillborn or miscarried for no apparent reason. It sounds so cruel. Just one of those things. But that's what it is.
There have been messages asking what my next step is and honestly, I don't know. There's been requests for Maiko's kittens and even a few messages since I lost this litter (and that's only about an hour or so ago that the last baby faded, so I'm not very impressed with people right now) asking if I intend to breed her again and my answer has been a (rude, I'm sure) No? I don't know? Don't ask me this now. I had everything prepared for kittens. I was ready to keep them all if need be, no problem, although I had homes lined up for up to six. I had amazing mental images of little kittens running around the Christmas tree, all that bullshit, and what do I have now? A kittenless dam crying and looking for her kittens and I feel so horrendous that it pretty much is on the same line as my own miscarriages, only I have to observe someone/something else going through it.
And I know I shouldn't humanise my cats and once the hormones settle she'll probably forget she ever had them but right now she is... lost. I'm lost. We're just stuck. Stuck comforting each other. Stuck without the squeaky bundles of pain in the ass, but I wanted those pains in the ass. Maiko wanted those pains in the ass. This is unfair and if you saw Maiko right now, you'd believe without a shadow of a doubt that she is mourning her loss. No question.
It's been a countdown to nothing. Shopping for nothing. Looking into extending my insurance, into arranging for the vet I wanted for them, special foods, special care, not even picking mama up for two months, everything for nothing. For the sheer pleasure of burying four newborn kittens. I'm not sure if I'm angry or if I'm sad or if I'm both. There was even a split second when I felt relief. Relief. For a split second I felt an emotion only a genuinely evil person would feel when they have four dead kittens in a box. And then it turned into this mesh of negative, violent emotions of regret, self-hatred, more anger, more grief, and just plain hatred toward not only my own split-second emotion that blipped out as quick as it blipped in, but also toward the people who I'll talk about in the next paragraph. Whoosh.
Of course there's the lot who just couldn't wait to blame me. Yes, I'm fully aware this is my own fault, do you really think I don't realise that? It's my doing she was pregnant, and I chose to keep the kittens (there's always an option to terminate but good luck getting me to ever sign up for that) so it's my fault she's going through this now. I. Am. Aware. I was selfish, yes. Did I go through with it because I liked the idea? Yes. Was I irresponsible? No. That I will not accept. From day one there were arrangements, systems in place, plans. At no point did I throw my hands in the air and brush it off as a minor thing that this was about to happen (and ultimately ended very horribly); I knew what I was getting into and yes, I put Maiko through a pregnancy and the heartbreak of loss. That's on me. But I won't be accused of being irresponsible, not now and not if I decide to breed her one more time before a permanent spaying. That's my choice, if that is the choice I end up making.
"But Noo, why would you breed her? That's so unnecessary!" Yes, it is. It is. 100%. But this is also Maiko, and there is a very selfish part of me that wants any additions to my lot to be her babies because she is hands down the best-behaved, loving, amazing, gorgeous and social cat I've ever encountered. Extremely selfish or not, I want a chance to have a cat or cats with those characteristics when I add to my clowder, if I add to my clowder.
Right now I don't know what the best solution is, I don't know what I want to do. Right now I don't even want to see a picture of a random kitten because it makes me burst into tears and I see Maiko in her current state and I feel horrendous guilt and my heart breaks for her, and for myself too. Would breeding her be ideal? No. Absolutely not. No. I know that. Would it be selfish? Absolutely. But I still don't know. Don't ask me now. Now I just want to grieve.
//Edited to add: in case you want actual -evidence- (dear Jesus, people, what?) that there was indeed a litter of kittens born this morning, I took photos. Why? I didn't exactly expect them all to -die-. Knock yourself out, right out of my reader list if you actually require evidence of a very traumatic experience. And yes, I'm very sad and very angry right now. Can you actually blame me?
No, scratch that. Some of you probably actually can.
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