Get up and function

I've spent the last twenty hours in bed. Not asleep, just in bed, staring at the ceiling. I thought I felt bad immediately after the loss of the kittens but the worst was yet to come... I just shut down yesterday morning. Got nothing done, didn't even write in my journal. I hit a brick wall, got overwhelmed by the slightly delayed feelings and just shut down for the lack of a better word. I'm currently in grief fasting and when I was stocking up on liquids, I won't lie: I went past the alcohol section more than once, just pacing back and forth. Thankfully now that I've been in treatment & had a few relapses, I'm fully aware of how temporary the relief is and how horrible I'd feel afterwards if I leaned on that crutch... and there's absolutely no such thing as "only tonight, only until I feel less sad, only ______". It's a struggle and it'll probably be a lifelong struggle to actually feel my feelings without numbing myself with booze.

I also didn't lean on my anti-anxiety pills because what I was and still am feeling isn't anxiety, it's grief, and there's a huge difference between the two. While I'm sure the anxiety's there, it's silenced by the sadness, and sadness I believe is a healthy emotion. I have to grieve despite or even because of it feeling overwhelming. As Karyn said, I'm sober now and re-learning the feels, but I won't re-learn them if I avoid them or drown them out.

I'm going to allow myself a few more hours of rest & then I'm picking up the paint brush: my landlord finally came through after a long wait and provided me with the paints I was promised a long, long while back. Better late than never, eh?

• the kitchen will be a darker, crushed lavender.
• the front/living room accent wall is going to be a dusky pink. Worth noting is that the kitchen & front room walls touch so the colours couldn't clash too badly.
• the bathroom is going to be a crushed periwinkle.
• the bedroom accent wall is going to be a warmer lavender.

Yes, you can probably notice the blog layout follows a similar colour chart. It's my thing now, I guess... crushed pastels ♥. I seem to drift from a full-on morbid gothic preference to this girly, baby pastel phase with nothing in between so I suppose eventually my flat will look like a smograsbord of cutesy, dark, death, unicorns, faeries, zombies and wrong. Epic.

The renovation will keep my mind occupied for at least a couple of days. ♥ Once I feel like I can deal with the slightly darker themes again without playing trigger-hop, I'm also going back to the world of Witcher. There's so much of the first game alone that I'd completely forgotten about because -- let's face it -- when I played it way back when, I was pretty drunk. Same goes for 2 & 3 as well. There's been a few cutscenes I don't recall ever seeing, slight recollection of other bits and then complete blanks in parts I know I must have played through to actually progress in the game but Hell if I remember. And it's not just Witcher, I feel a similar confusion with Mass Effect & Skyrim as well and if I went back to World of Warcraft... I probably couldn't recall half the sh!t I did when I was pursuing the Loremaster achievement. How I functioned or got anything done in that constant state is beyond me. I'm frankly surprised I'm still alive.

Next week I have a meeting with my outreach worker & also a vet appointment to make sure everything's okay with Maiko... and to discuss resiring her, the potential timetable for that, look at potential sires etc. Yes, I'm still fully aware of the selfishness of that decision and yes, it does make me a massive hypocrite because in the past I've lashed out at people who let their cats fall pregnant but... it's not quite the same, is it?

It's out there as far as idiotic decisions go, I'm sure, but it'll also be a very planned, very wanted project unless it's discovered there is, in fact, something wrong with Maiko from either before the pregnancy, or post-partum. She's recovered fine, the after-bleeding's been absolutely minimal and she eats, goes to the toilet, is playful and sleeps so it's highly unlikely there's any after-effects since the birth itself went great... it's just that the kittens weren't meant to survive. Something was wrong with them, and it could just be one of those things like the vet says, or there might've been something wrong with the dad of the litter, or or or, if if if. It could've been anything and for round two, we'll be approaching it as a project. Hormones, highly calorific diet, constant ultras, absolutely no picking her up (which will be tough for me), et cetera et cetera. I'm not going to just casually assume that because everything seems fine, everything is fine.

Of course, if something even slightly awry turns up in her testing, we're abandoning this project and she will get spayed immediately. Otherwise she'll get spayed (along with the potential kittens) when her litter is weaned. Despite her not even being pregnant, there's already homes for up to six, like I said. I'll be keeping one or two depending on gender, personality etc. I have a pretty mellow duo and I don't really see a rebel-type terminator being happy in the bunch. Of course, with kittens, it's hard to say. Kittens are kittens; no matter what they turn out to be as adults, as babies they're absolute little demons but there's tells. There's certain 'expressions' if you will that hints if the cat is particularly mischievous, and just generally observing a kitten will give you a lot of information about their basic personality.

I'm also going to be focusing on giving Rosa more of a fuss. The poor thing got ignored pretty badly toward the end of Maiko's pregnancy. As you can tell, though, her fur's growing back rather nicely (she has alopecia but allowing her to be outside has lowered her stress-grooming so much that her bald patches have filled back in) but the fur's growing back with a different texture: it's a bit wavy, which gives her a far fluffier appearance. I love it. ♥ Thankfully her personality is pretty chill and forgiving so she hasn't really sought out attention in the past week leading up to the birth of the kittens and whether it's me humanising her or something similar (I do tend to do that), I reckon she willingly gave Maiko space and understood why the main focus was on her sissie for a while. She's really mellowed down recently although I'm pretty sure that's to do more with her age (she turned ten this summer) than anything else.

Anyhoop. It's pushing 10AM and there's a few days' worth of cups to wash, broth to brew and walls to paint so I'll hop off for a bit. Will be on Discord or Messenger if I'm needed. ♥ Hope everyone's having a decent Sunday (or whatever the day may be when you read this), and please: if you're angry at me about the aforementioned decision, I understand but... please don't scream at me. I am feeling mega fragile right now. We're upping my med dosage tomorrow to help me out a little bit (as quetiapine in higher dosages has a calming effect without actually destroying emotional capacity).

Maybe in couple of weeks' time I'll be able to fight with you on this or try to explain my point of view... but not now. Not yet. Not just yet. Please. ♥ Thank you.

Coping (I guess?)

First of all, I think I owe an apology to anyone who read my entry yesterday. I was in a very dark place (can't claim I'm still in a good place but I'm a little bit better today although I think that has more to do with herbal tea and not actually moving on yet), I was angry, I was lashing out. I admit that. But I suppose the point of keeping a blog like this is to have an outlet and sometimes a girl has to vent. Yesterday I vented. Today I'll try not to because today the grief is setting in and I'm just trying to cope with it.

While I accept peoples' opinions and criticism (not with ease, but I do tend to listen to what people have to say; I'm not saying I agree with all of it but I do listen) and I get that pet stuff is always a hair trigger for very strong opinions to emerge, there's a time and a place for everything and yesterday was neither of those. I mean, I lack a major empathy bone but even I wouldn't confront someone on the day something really horrible has happened whether I thought they were at fault or not. Would I do it after a while? You know what, I probably wouldn't because at the end of the day it just isn't my business but if I were to make it my business, I would still give the person a grace period to cope and come to terms with something bad before expressing a negative opinion of them to them. Not cool and completely uncalled for & it's definitely not going to make me change my mind if people try to bully me into something while I'm hurting. That's just mean and you guys know it.

Today's been not so much about moving on, but about laying down the foundation that is required for it. I've taken apart the birthing boxes I put together for Maiko and salvaged what towels I can and slammed them on a boiling hot disinfectant soak while getting rid of everything that was obviously not going to recover from things... a cat giving birth is hella messy business. I don't think it's beneficial to me or Maiko if the flat smells like blood (or if she insists on sleeping in a box that smells like, well... her dead children, to be very blunt about it), and I'm not 100% sure if that smell is actually lingering or if it's in my head. Nonetheless, cleaning up is therapeutic to me and seems to have calmed Maiko down. She is actually sleeping instead of constantly pacing and meowing so I feel I've made the right choice.

With the aid of caffeine I did the general laundry & tidied up a bit, just sort of forcing myself into motion. One could claim I'm trying too hard to push forward but sometimes it's necessary. My emotional triggers aren't something I like to mess with and right now I feel raw & hurt, and that scares me because I don't want even the slightest relapse. Yes, again, I'm being selfish in cleaning up the 'physical evidence' of what's happened and one could even say I'm trying to erase the fact that the kittens were ever there but trust me, the memory of it is so deeply imprinted in my mind that there's no way I'll forget about it. Ever. Maiko might, as that's just nature being nature, but I won't. Because I'm human & believe it or not, I feel human emotions. Granted, not like most people do but the emotions are still there and right now I'm hurting & I would just ask for people to understand and respect that, even if they don't agree with any of this.

Have I made any decisions yet? No. Will I soon? Yeah, over the next couple of weeks, I'm sure. I'm not a 100% in either direction yet & I need time to think and come to terms with whatever decision I end up making, whether it's the one people want me to make or not. I'm not going to give up my dream of having a kitten by Maiko in my clowder simply because people would rather I adopt a kitten from a shelter. If I give up that dream, I give it up because I'm ready to give it up.

Again, I repeat: yes it's a very selfish dream/thing to do, but so was getting pregnant while suffering from a serious mental illness, and I did that twice even if the second one wasn't planned. No one screamed at me when I miscarried either of them and preached about adopting instead, although a (now former, thanks to it) friend did state that I'd probably end up suffocating my children in their sleep or something 'equally psycho'. Do I think I'd make a great mother, on that note? I'd try my best. That's what any mother can do. But, again, was that comment necessary, especially in that situation? Hell no. Freedom of speech doesn't translate to 'hurt a person however much you like by spitting venom at them when they're already suffering'.

I'm not a perfect person. I'm, in fact, a very selfish person & I don't pretend to be anything else. Am I working on my flaws? Sure. But at the end of the day, I am who and what I am.

Yes, these past couple of entries have come from a place of hurt, maybe even confusion, and I'll probably eventually regret posting them, at least a little bit... but it's my blog, I'm putting my life out there & I just don't want to be one of those bloggers who pretends her life is sunshine & roses all the time. If anything, my life is difficult most of the time because of mental challenges alone. Raw emotions are allowed in blogs & I think it's harmful to keep up the charade of a perfect life, perfect family, perfect everything when we all know nobody survives life without getting knocked around. Nobody.

Do my sometimes idiotic choices make my life that much harder? Absolutely! I self-sabotage like an absolute bitch, 100%. Why do you think I'm in therapy, mate? :D

For now, I'm sure the blog won't be a delight to read because my existence right now is not exactly fun. This blog reflects my life at the time of writing entries. It is what it is and maybe one day I'll find the key to eternal happiness & spread the gospel of whatever that key may be, but today is not that day. Today I'm hurt, and I am writing out of that place of pain and confusion. Apologies if it's something you'd rather not read & shame on you if you use it as a weapon against me. Be nice. Please. Even if it's only for now. ♥ Thank you.

Faded

For the briefest of moments, my household had kittens. Maiko went into labour last night and delivered her firstborn, Phoenix, at 7:53AM. The second one, Poem, was stillborn. The third, Shiloh, survived for about half an hour but refused to suckle or accept formula and eventually just went to "sleep", and the last one, Lyric -- like Poem -- was stillborn. Phoenix showed promise but started fading at around noon and despite intervening, there was nothing I could do.

As far as I'm aware, this was Maiko's first litter. The birth went just fine, there were no delays, no complications, and she tried to nurse every kitten, took care of the placentas, cut the umbilical cords. She was a natural mama even to the kittens that only physically entered this world but were never 'there'. She did everything right, and I'd like to claim that I did everything right as well because I've done this bloody thing before with orphaned cats, but the vet's comment on it was that it's... just one of those things with cats. Entire litters fade. Entire litters are stillborn or miscarried for no apparent reason. It sounds so cruel. Just one of those things. But that's what it is.

There have been messages asking what my next step is and honestly, I don't know. There's been requests for Maiko's kittens and even a few messages since I lost this litter (and that's only about an hour or so ago that the last baby faded, so I'm not very impressed with people right now) asking if I intend to breed her again and my answer has been a (rude, I'm sure) No? I don't know? Don't ask me this now. I had everything prepared for kittens. I was ready to keep them all if need be, no problem, although I had homes lined up for up to six. I had amazing mental images of little kittens running around the Christmas tree, all that bullshit, and what do I have now? A kittenless dam crying and looking for her kittens and I feel so horrendous that it pretty much is on the same line as my own miscarriages, only I have to observe someone/something else going through it.

And I know I shouldn't humanise my cats and once the hormones settle she'll probably forget she ever had them but right now she is... lost. I'm lost. We're just stuck. Stuck comforting each other. Stuck without the squeaky bundles of pain in the ass, but I wanted those pains in the ass. Maiko wanted those pains in the ass. This is unfair and if you saw Maiko right now, you'd believe without a shadow of a doubt that she is mourning her loss. No question.

It's been a countdown to nothing. Shopping for nothing. Looking into extending my insurance, into arranging for the vet I wanted for them, special foods, special care, not even picking mama up for two months, everything for nothing. For the sheer pleasure of burying four newborn kittens. I'm not sure if I'm angry or if I'm sad or if I'm both. There was even a split second when I felt relief. Relief. For a split second I felt an emotion only a genuinely evil person would feel when they have four dead kittens in a box. And then it turned into this mesh of negative, violent emotions of regret, self-hatred, more anger, more grief, and just plain hatred toward not only my own split-second emotion that blipped out as quick as it blipped in, but also toward the people who I'll talk about in the next paragraph. Whoosh.

Of course there's the lot who just couldn't wait to blame me. Yes, I'm fully aware this is my own fault, do you really think I don't realise that? It's my doing she was pregnant, and I chose to keep the kittens (there's always an option to terminate but good luck getting me to ever sign up for that) so it's my fault she's going through this now. I. Am. Aware. I was selfish, yes. Did I go through with it because I liked the idea? Yes. Was I irresponsible? No. That I will not accept. From day one there were arrangements, systems in place, plans. At no point did I throw my hands in the air and brush it off as a minor thing that this was about to happen (and ultimately ended very horribly); I knew what I was getting into and yes, I put Maiko through a pregnancy and the heartbreak of loss. That's on me. But I won't be accused of being irresponsible, not now and not if I decide to breed her one more time before a permanent spaying. That's my choice, if that is the choice I end up making.

"But Noo, why would you breed her? That's so unnecessary!" Yes, it is. It is. 100%. But this is also Maiko, and there is a very selfish part of me that wants any additions to my lot to be her babies because she is hands down the best-behaved, loving, amazing, gorgeous and social cat I've ever encountered. Extremely selfish or not, I want a chance to have a cat or cats with those characteristics when I add to my clowder, if I add to my clowder.

Right now I don't know what the best solution is, I don't know what I want to do. Right now I don't even want to see a picture of a random kitten because it makes me burst into tears and I see Maiko in her current state and I feel horrendous guilt and my heart breaks for her, and for myself too. Would breeding her be ideal? No. Absolutely not. No. I know that. Would it be selfish? Absolutely. But I still don't know. Don't ask me now. Now I just want to grieve.

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//Edited to add: in case you want actual -evidence- (dear Jesus, people, what?) that there was indeed a litter of kittens born this morning, I took photos. Why? I didn't exactly expect them all to -die-. Knock yourself out, right out of my reader list if you actually require evidence of a very traumatic experience. And yes, I'm very sad and very angry right now. Can you actually blame me?

No, scratch that. Some of you probably actually can.

Blogtober

As I sat down to write this, I heard a distinct rumble from outside and both of the cats bolted indoors which prompted me to lift my butt just one more time before writing anything to pick up the laundry that already got hit by rain yesterday (and thus smells divine & super fresh now). The sky is rapidly turning darker & I'm hoping for a proper thunderstorm although I do worry it might scare Maiko or even induce labour & I'm not 100% convinced her babies have brewed quite long enough. We're at day 52-54 by my math so I'm hoping to keep those darlings in for just a bit longer.

Thankfully Mama (the name she prefers to respond to now) isn't a stress-prone cat at all so hopefully everything will go smoothly and I'll soon have a bunch of energetic, mischievous, healthy kittens to look after. ♥ I'm scared, worried, anxious, but most of all excited.

These past six months have been very difficult for me, especially the last three. I've been off work since the 1st of July due to health reasons & I don't know when I'm going back, if I'm going back or staying on sick leave, or finding a new job, or going back to college full-time. And I genuinely don't have the strength to think about it too deeply. I can say yay or nay to ideas thrown at me, going back to school sounds great... but I have to be healthier for that.

One of my support workers thinks volunteering just a few hours a week would make a massive difference because I've isolated myself into my tiny flat. I don't feel the need to go out unless it's to replenish my stock of cup soups and noodles or to buy store-brand cheap cola for gaming sessions (one positive thing has come out of all this: I've rediscovered my love for video games ♥). Socialising face to face? No thank you. I get enough of that during my various appointments. I like to keep my chatter to casual exchanges online nowadays but I also know I need to leave my home on the odd occasion for my own sanity's sake and I need hobbies beyond video games.

I've been trying to blog here and there during this all, but I'm notorious for my restless feet when it comes to staying in one place -- I find it difficult. It doesn't help that it took me a while to accept the new limitations I have in life & for a little while I even felt embarrassed for being so ill and felt I shouldn't talk about it... but that was when my entire life was about the illness & the new diagnosis.

I've since started exploring life outside of being Sickly Noo and that life deserves to be documented. Will I talk about my conditions? Probably. I've not 100% come to terms with everything yet but I'm taking baby steps & instead of taking one step forward and five steps back, I've started making some progress in moving forward. It may be a quarter of a step at a time, but it's still movement in the right direction! ♥ Just being able to leave the house -- if only for fifteen minutes -- is a huge thing for me.

If I'm able to leave the flat despite social anxiety, I can surely stick to a blog if I decide to do so, right? Especially since I spent a good twenty-plus hours on this layout, trying to make it as quick as possible with the goal of using absolutely no graphics, only CSS. What do you think? Does it work or is it too bleh & simple for someone loud & irritating like me?

I'm also finding my snapshotting mojo again. I don't claim to be good at photography nor do I have anywhere near semi-decent gear (iPhone 5S and a Hitachi HDC-99WE that's from the stone age) but I enjoy snapping photos anyway. I made a gallery page for those of you who like to see my life instead of just read about it. :3 Getiing decent photos requires me to go out, however, so it takes a bit of mental preparations and currently my treks aren't very long but, as I said: baby steps.

For now, I'm going to focus on building a small circle of bloggers to interact with & take it from there. Wish me luck? ♥

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//Edited to add: I didn't get my wish. The rain passed and the rumbling ceased. Ah well, better for Maiko this way! o/ We want healthy babies. ♥