This morning I woke up with an all too familiar feeling: delete everything. Get off social media. Empty my Facebook wall. Why am I even blogging? Gahhhhhhh! Everything sucks, I need to hide, everyone hates me, I'm not good enough, blah blah blah. Absolutely not the first time this has happened -- I have a very fragmented, unstable self-image that causes this to repeat regularly, ranging from what I want to look like to what I want to do or how I want to be viewed (as opposed to how I actually am) -- and it absolutely won't be the last, I'm sure. This phase is pretty much always followed by a major depressive phase that I genuinely hope quetiapine will intercept this time around.
Quite frankly I'm really surprised it took as long as it did for Yours Truly to be diagnosed as borderline because I do this so bloody often & have never made any effort whatsoever to hide it. I think everyone was so fixated on chasing the "typical PMDD rage", mood swings, dissociation due to anxiety, and bipolar diagnosis that they just wilingly ignored what was staring them right in the face: borderline, with what borderline comes with. I still have PMDD but it doesn't just explain away the stuff that's associated with borderline, and while I hate the brand, I also appreciate the team that finally chased it to make it official because the more I've learned about it, the more answers I now have and life is far less confusing.
There was talk of borderline before, but it was never cast as a major character flaw until I tried to off myself three times in the span of two months because my brain was just melting down left, right and centre and I started hallucinating & being delusional and it couldn't be explained away by depression or alleged bipolar or PMDD or anything else except dissociation which goes strongly hand in hand with, you know it: borderline.
On some days I have an almost narcissistic resource of self-adoration & occasionally I place myself a lot higher in importance than other people... not in the form of self-love, but more... raising myself to a goddess-like status. That then flips on its head and I see myself as this hunchbacked monster who no one could ever love, I pick apart my faults in appearance and personality and I just flat out loathe myself, and that in turn is replaced by this uncontrollable anger at everyone and/or myself, and it's just this constant dance of shifting attitudes and eternal splitting, and it's so draining & it's taken a lot for me today to not just delete my blog during a morph to whatever the next step is.
I'm going to step outside for a few hours today just to clear my head and try to manipulate my hormones a bit to (try to) get out of this mindset. I foresee an overhaul in taste & style over the next couple of weeks; it always happens and I'm not sure if any anti-psychotic medication can touch the fluctuating way I do/want to perceive myself & come across to people.
I did manage to groom my Instagram feed a bit before I caught myself being silly, so fingers crossed I'll leave the blog alone. It's sort of silly but during the worst outbursts (which, again, I hope quetiapine will meddle with) I tend to delete all my photos and videos, all my artwork, make new accounts in games to 'start over'. I've been fairly good at keeping photos for the past couple of years, primarily because those photos are important to other people as well (I could never delete the baby pictures of Callisto -- one of my cats who now lives with an ex because she prefers him -- for example because those photos are so important to him. It's not just my feelings that are on the firing line if these things disappear forever, so I do keep that in mind. I did destroy any and all memories of the two 'boyfriends' I've had since I split up with Mooki because there's absolutely no point hanging onto that type of memories & I quite frankly don't want to see their faces.
So you could say I'm finally learning to keep important stuff. Now if only I'd learn not to constantly put a knife on my blog's throat...
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